Authenticity

I reflect on my own behavior constantly.  I had this conversation with one of my sisters and I realized how sensitive I am. I hold it together and display a strong persona. Prior to this, I had been the clown of the family, making people laugh in order to distract from the potential conflicts that made me uncomfortable. I am neither a clown nor that strong. I can handle a lot but I have reached my maximum tolerance recently - as many of us have. When I had struggled emotionally in the past, I typically kept it to myself. In my quest to trust more and let others in, I attempted to reach out for emotional support and was met with reactions that were the opposite of supportive in my mind. I could no longer even attempt to be strong. I was flawed and those that I thought would be empathic were not. Maybe because my emotional display was intense and alarming because I hadn't allowed them to see me upset ever before. I was the one people called for support. My best friend and my sister check on me but that’s it.  People think I’m strong - never weak or vulnerable so they don’t think to send a text saying, “Hey, just checking on you”. After the reaction I recently received, I shut down and decided that I would keep moments of weakness to myself as I had for most of my life. That strategy served me better than sharing and asking for help. But this is not authentic. At all. 

I took a video of myself talking about Thomas Hubl’s holistic psychology theory on attunement and watched it back before posting it on social media.  I was struck by the different parts of myself I demonstrate based on being in work mode vs. creative/home mode. I noticed the tightness in my jaw, my furrowed brow, "professional" speech, and general heaviness in my body at work versus the calm, relaxed affect I display and feel in my at home videos.  Of course, many of us adjust for work to be more palatable for others in order to lay low and not draw unwanted attention. But I didn’t realize the shift was that drastic. 

I am incredibly sensitive to energy from others and within a physical space.  Integrating parts of myself is something that I try to model to my son.  Since authenticity is important to me I have to ask: which part of me is authentic?  The silly, lighthearted self I demonstrate at home or the deep, dark, thoughtful, heavy self I feel right now? Is this something you all think about?

As a person of mixed race, thinking in a binary manner like this is somewhat typical.  Particularly as a Black and white, mixed-race woman, integrating is extremely challenging for me. In our society, those races are typically in direct conflict and do not tend to easily integrate. I may feel more authentic in certain spaces and much less in others. I know that I have to prove myself in order to fit in (cue the “that’s not true! Just be yourself!” comments…) No. It’s true. It’s really true.  If I don’t prove myself then I won’t be part of a community.  When was the last time you walked into a space of only mixed people?

I’m lucky enough to have had the experience of being in an affinity space for mixed-race people and let me tell you, it was intense. Being surrounded by hundreds of mixed people in our own affinity space felt less comfortable to me than if I were in any other space with any other race.  Foreign. For example, for those of us who can dance, some of us dance kind of… a little bit like…well…mixed people. Culturally mixed, variety, and somehow similar. I'm worried about over generalizing and stereotyping but from my perspective, we had some uncomfortable things in common. Many of us look ambiguous.  I felt myself wanting to ask “What are you?” as people have asked me countless times throughout my life. As though I were an alien or something. I wouldn’t ask that way - I’d go with “what mix are you?” or something like that instead because these people would understand my intent to relate, rather than to other. 

It was wild to see and be part of this affinity group. I immediately thought, “I’m different from these people. I can’t relate,” but I could relate and it was jarring. If you’ve ever seen the show Mixed-ish, it’s pretty accurate to my experience. That show is almost invasive and hard to watch. 

I never EVER feel comfortable in any space but my own. Ever.  But I feel regular in most spaces until someone reminds me that I’m not like them. Someone I felt regular with recently told me that my hair looked like I just rolled out of bed.  I thought it was a good hair day until then.  My guard went up but I didn’t know how to handle it. After all these years I still didn’t feel satisfied with my response. Even when someone gives me approval that my behavior is acceptable based on the culture I’m in, someone else negates that by confirming that I’m not like them. Try as I might to not let the opinion of others affect me, it just does. 

All this to say, I am always navigating how to be truly authentic without isolating myself. I'm always assessing my behavior and sense of self. Aren't we all doing this to some extent? Maybe I’m too hard on myself, maybe not hard enough. All I can do is try not to hurt others as I move through this phase of authentic self discovery. And attempt to repair the harm if I do. No pressure…