KIDS ARE NOT RESILIENT, THEY BECOME ADULTS WITH UNRESOLVED ISSUES

As a psychotherapist, parent coach, and trainer, I often hear adults say, “They will be okay, kids are resilient” and it makes my skin crawl. I find it fascinating that we forget what it was like in our own childhood so quickly. And that we forget the reason many of us are in therapy is because of our childhood trauma. Imagine yourself as a child, pretend you are a trusted adult to “little you”, and tell “little you” to suck it up. Tell “little you” that kids are resilient. Tell this to the “little you” that suffered from things that are out of your control - things that are inflicted by the adults in your life. Ouch right?

We get distracted by our adult-sized issues and bogged down by the stress and conflict that we endure and think that kid-sized issues are trivial and invalid. Raise your hand if you are one of many adults reading this that still talk about the trauma their parents or caregivers inflicted upon them in childhood. Therapy is expensive. Yet we still fail to see how our actions impact our little ones.

I’ve gotten feedback that I’m too hard on myself at work but especially as a parent. I don’t agree. I really really really don’t want to F my kid up. I refuse to change the amount of self reflection and behavior change that I do. My son has already had a good deal of stress because the events that led to mine and his dads divorce were not pretty. I went back and forth about whether I should stick it out - stay married - even though it was not a good situation. I’m hard on myself for not leaving sooner, for getting married in the first place, for not staying in the marriage. Ultimately, I know that I made the right decision. We can only do our best when we have clear information to do so. I know this in theory AND I do everything I can to repair any harm my son endured by my adult behavior.

I’m certainly not saying that parents and caregivers should follow my model, however I AM saying that adults need to do better at self awareness, reflection, and behavior change. We can repair harm done to our kids. We really can. It takes work and intentionality which is our responsibility.

This is too much… I didn’t have any adults doing this for me and I turned out fine! Did you though? Turn out fine, I mean?

What if an adult in your life changed the way they interacted with you so that you felt more safe and protected? What might your life be like? One of the main topics talked about in therapy is about the pain inflicted by caregivers in our childhood. So, did you turn out fine?

I recently asked a group of adults to give me feedback on a group of kids' risky and depressive behavior. The adults collectively said that they didn’t notice any issues at all and the kids all seemed to be doing great. I know this is not true because I see these kids in their most vulnerable positions - my counseling office. Upon further digging and examples of observed worrisome behavior (cruel comments to one another, withdrawn behavior, sleepy or more emotional than usual), the adults were able to recall many of these signs and they were (now) also worried.

So, what happened here? How did the conversation shift so drastically? The adults had to put their own emotional experience and ego aside to be able to focus on anything outside of themselves. This was short lived because then came the blame game.

It’s highly probable that we have caused harm to one person at one time in our lives. It probably wasn’t intentional, and you may not have realized you did it, but odds are that your behavior did not land in the way you intended. So, is it your fault? Yes and no. And so what if it IS your fault? What happens then? You feel guilty and bad about yourself and forget about the harm you caused someone else because you are so caught up in feeling judged you can’t see beyond it. And then what? The person that was harmed keeps it pushing. Do they get over it? How do you know? Does it matter to you? Why does it matter? Why doesn’t it?

I’ll say something you might not want to hear: How you feel about this situation actually does not matter. Not in that moment when the harm was created. You can handle your own emotional response later. It’s not about you at this moment. Repair the harm. More on this later...

Kate